Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

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Next week will be my first EMDR session and my 39th birthday. I feel behind for my age, but I didn't even think I'd survive this long, so I guess I'm not doing too badly. I'm nervous about therapy, but I'm hoping it'll bring relief, and I'm so grateful to even be able to do it. Have any of you done EMDR, and do you have any insight/tips for me? Thanks for reading, and hope you're all doing well.
(Photo taken this evening after a storm)

#ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder
#PTSD
#ADHD
#Anxiety
#Depression
#AutismSpectrumDisorder
#MentalHealth
#Trauma

(edited)
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Breaking Cycles: Why I Keep Choosing to Heal

I didn't choose to heal; it chose me.

I remember the moment I cut the cord from my parents, and it was scary and liberating. Not knowing how they would initially react, I was pleasantly surprised and heartbroken at their lack of outreach and misunderstanding. It's like they were waiting for this moment to happen. The longer I went without speaking to them, I began to realize the cold, hard truth that they didn't care at all.

Free from their grip, I began to spiral down a dark hole inside my mind of forgotten memories. I've lost count of how many times I've wanted to give up on that darkness. How many times I've told myself it's too hard, too painful, too much. But somehow I'm still here. Still trying to fulfill my purpose in this life.

I come from a lineage of people who survived by numbing, by silencing, by pretending nothing happened. So I came to this world to break all cycles, the ultimate generational curse breaker. It's literally in my birth chart. I felt a strong purpose since I was seven years old. I'm a firm believer that we choose our parents and the hardships we endure. I will clarify that we didn't sign up for exactly what happened; free will is truly a scary concept. I'm here to break the cycles of abuse, neglect, trauma, addiction, honestly, all of it.

All of the abuse I've been through, the neglect, the sexual abuse, emotional and verbal abuse has affected me in various ways. I'm emotionally intelligent, but my emotions explode because I was never taught how to regulate. I'm learning now. I stopped giving my body to random men well over ten years ago. Always searching for something that wasn't there or trying to fill the void of pain and loneliness. Teaching myself to be kind, not just to myself, but to others as well. Creating strong, healthy boundaries, learning to say no. The most challenging of them all: addiction.

I didn't start smoking cigarettes until the day after my 18th birthday, being peer pressured into it. I continued to smoke cigarettes until I was 31 years old and quit cold turkey. I started drinking the summer after high school, under peer pressure, to fit in with my friends, and I found an outlet. A way to cope with things that I didn't remember. I felt lost but found. There was smoking of cannabis during this time. I preferred smoking over drinking, but this was before it was legal in my state to purchase cannabis. I drank heavily for the next 8 years, always searching for someone to connect with on a physical level, but nothing beyond that. When I said the healing journey chose me, this is what I mean; in September 2015, I was at a wedding with some friends, and I had been drinking. Later in the evening, I got a migraine. My first ever, and that was the turning point in my life.

It was a glamorous journey. I struggled to be sober. I struggled with staying home on the weekends, not being able to be at the bar with friends. Who were not friends, just people that happened to be drinking at the same watering hole. It honestly wasn't until after the New Year that I started to make real changes. I saw a doctor, I went on depression meds, and started practicing Yoga once per week. I spent the next few years physcially detoxing from all the crap I put in my body. I changed my diet, tried to sleep more, exercise, etc. I felt like I was walking up an icy mountain, not really making any progress but still trying. Mainly because I was still living with my parents at this time. Still under their abusive manipulation. I had no idea what I had just started.

I did quit drinking. My mom was an alcoholic, so that's an easy no for me. She killed herself three years ago. That's another story, for another time. I did, however, utilize the fact that at the beginning of 2020, marijuana became legal in my state. It was a godsend. Marijuana helped me cope and process over the next 5 years, and now here I am present moment, writing this out and struggling to let go of my edibles. My body is rejecting them, just like my body was rejecting alcohol. I crave the numbness, the release, but my heart says no. It's an internal battle that I keep to myself, wishing to be sober, but the bridge to get there is burning, itchy cravings that are the hardest part to get through.

I'm at the end of my numbing journey. I now know that I don't need it anymore. It's the in-between the old and the new, learning to cope with new techniques. I now choose healing not because it's easy, but because I'm tired of pain being the only legacy I carry forward. I refuse to be like either of my parents. I won't let my story end the same way. I also know deep in my soul that I am meant to help bring great change. It may feel like to end is all around, but I have hope that this is the downfall that we all need. Whether that's on your own personal journey or in the current state of our world. The old must be exposed before the new can be accepted.

Even if you're the first in your family to choose healing, even if no one claps for you, your choice matters. You matter. And you're not alone.

#MentalHealth #change #CPTSD #healingjourney #soberiety #choices #TraumaRecovery #AddictionRecovery

Most common user reactionsMost common user reactions 6 reactions 1 comment
Post

Breaking Cycles: Why I Keep Choosing to Heal

I didn't choose to heal; it chose me.

I remember the moment I cut the cord from my parents, and it was scary and liberating. Not knowing how they would initially react, I was pleasantly surprised and heartbroken at their lack of outreach and misunderstanding. It's like they were waiting for this moment to happen. The longer I went without speaking to them, I began to realize the cold, hard truth that they didn't care at all.

Free from their grip, I began to spiral down a dark hole inside my mind of forgotten memories. I've lost count of how many times I've wanted to give up on that darkness. How many times I've told myself it's too hard, too painful, too much. But somehow I'm still here. Still trying to fulfill my purpose in this life.

I come from a lineage of people who survived by numbing, by silencing, by pretending nothing happened. So I came to this world to break all cycles, the ultimate generational curse breaker. It's literally in my birth chart. I felt a strong purpose since I was seven years old. I'm a firm believer that we choose our parents and the hardships we endure. I will clarify that we didn't sign up for exactly what happened; free will is truly a scary concept. I'm here to break the cycles of abuse, neglect, trauma, addiction, honestly, all of it.

All of the abuse I've been through, the neglect, the sexual abuse, emotional and verbal abuse has affected me in various ways. I'm emotionally intelligent, but my emotions explode because I was never taught how to regulate. I'm learning now. I stopped giving my body to random men well over ten years ago. Always searching for something that wasn't there or trying to fill the void of pain and loneliness. Teaching myself to be kind, not just to myself, but to others as well. Creating strong, healthy boundaries, learning to say no. The most challenging of them all: addiction.

I didn't start smoking cigarettes until the day after my 18th birthday, being peer pressured into it. I continued to smoke cigarettes until I was 31 years old and quit cold turkey. I started drinking the summer after high school, under peer pressure, to fit in with my friends, and I found an outlet. A way to cope with things that I didn't remember. I felt lost but found. There was smoking of cannabis during this time. I preferred smoking over drinking, but this was before it was legal in my state to purchase cannabis. I drank heavily for the next 8 years, always searching for someone to connect with on a physical level, but nothing beyond that. When I said the healing journey chose me, this is what I mean; in September 2015, I was at a wedding with some friends, and I had been drinking. Later in the evening, I got a migraine. My first ever, and that was the turning point in my life.

It was a glamorous journey. I struggled to be sober. I struggled with staying home on the weekends, not being able to be at the bar with friends. Who were not friends, just people that happened to be drinking at the same watering hole. It honestly wasn't until after the New Year that I started to make real changes. I saw a doctor, I went on depression meds, and started practicing Yoga once per week. I spent the next few years physcially detoxing from all the crap I put in my body. I changed my diet, tried to sleep more, exercise, etc. I felt like I was walking up an icy mountain, not really making any progress but still trying. Mainly because I was still living with my parents at this time. Still under their abusive manipulation. I had no idea what I had just started.

I did quit drinking. My mom was an alcoholic, so that's an easy no for me. She killed herself three years ago. That's another story, for another time. I did, however, utilize the fact that at the beginning of 2020, marijuana became legal in my state. It was a godsend. Marijuana helped me cope and process over the next 5 years, and now here I am present moment, writing this out and struggling to let go of my edibles. My body is rejecting them, just like my body was rejecting alcohol. I crave the numbness, the release, but my heart says no. It's an internal battle that I keep to myself, wishing to be sober, but the bridge to get there is burning, itchy cravings that are the hardest part to get through.

I'm at the end of my numbing journey. I now know that I don't need it anymore. It's the in-between the old and the new, learning to cope with new techniques. I now choose healing not because it's easy, but because I'm tired of pain being the only legacy I carry forward. I refuse to be like either of my parents. I won't let my story end the same way. I also know deep in my soul that I am meant to help bring great change. It may feel like to end is all around, but I have hope that this is the downfall that we all need. Whether that's on your own personal journey or in the current state of our world. The old must be exposed before the new can be accepted.

Even if you're the first in your family to choose healing, even if no one claps for you, your choice matters. You matter. And you're not alone.

#MentalHealth #change #CPTSD #healingjourney #soberiety #choices #TraumaRecovery #AddictionRecovery

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Here is my journey of 5 years narcissist abuse ..and sexual harrasment

In 2019 i fell in love with a covert narcissist the cycle of trauma abuse and manipulation continuted till 2024 I was trauma bonded and realised when it was too late .. I developed generalized anxiety disorder , I was unable to understand what was wrong with me ...till the time another nightmare was waiting for me in 2025 i was sexually harassed by a know family relative in my home , that left me with immense emotional and psychological trauma by repeated cycle of abuse , I developed C-ptsd , unable to move out of my bed for months with suicidal thoughts and self harm .. here I am beginning my journey of healing .. initially medications like escitalopram helped me stabilize my flare ups , .I started exercising ,my condition is improving so far although the flashback keep coming , I am learning to manage the triggers ,, ..not in the best ..but trying .I wish we all keep pushing ourselves , as there is always light at the end of the tunnel..❤️#GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #CPTSD #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Trauma #Agoraphobia #MentalHealth #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder

Most common user reactionsMost common user reactionsMost common user reactions 13 reactions 6 comments
Post

Here is my journey of 5 years narcissist abuse ..and sexual harrasment

In 2019 i fell in love with a covert narcissist the cycle of trauma abuse and manipulation continuted till 2024 I was trauma bonded and realised when it was too late .. I developed generalized anxiety disorder , I was unable to understand what was wrong with me ...till the time another nightmare was waiting for me in 2025 i was sexually harassed by a know family relative in my home , that left me with immense emotional and psychological trauma by repeated cycle of abuse , I developed C-ptsd , unable to move out of my bed for months with suicidal thoughts and self harm .. here I am beginning my journey of healing .. initially medications like escitalopram helped me stabilize my flare ups , .I started exercising ,my condition is improving so far although the flashback keep coming , I am learning to manage the triggers ,, ..not in the best ..but trying .I wish we all keep pushing ourselves , as there is always light at the end of the tunnel..❤️#GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #CPTSD #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Trauma #Agoraphobia #MentalHealth #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder

Most common user reactionsMost common user reactionsMost common user reactions 13 reactions 6 comments
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Healing in the same home or environment trauma happened

I was harrased physically by two of my exs at my home place , I have severe depression since 2 years and anxiety triggered by certain places inside my home where we had memories , it's a negative loop with no end , I feel stuck here ..as if there is no end to this pain I have started escitalopram 10 mg and it has helped me a bit to manage the pains digestive issues flare ups...

Has anyone been through a similar situation does it ever improves ..

@#Anxiety #Depression #CPTSD @

(edited)
Most common user reactionsMost common user reactionsMost common user reactions 38 reactions 24 comments
Post

Healing in the same home or environment trauma happened

I was harrased physically by two of my exs at my home place , I have severe depression since 2 years and anxiety triggered by certain places inside my home where we had memories , it's a negative loop with no end , I feel stuck here ..as if there is no end to this pain I have started escitalopram 10 mg and it has helped me a bit to manage the pains digestive issues flare ups...

Has anyone been through a similar situation does it ever improves ..

@#Anxiety #Depression #CPTSD @

(edited)
Most common user reactionsMost common user reactionsMost common user reactions 38 reactions 24 comments
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Feeling scared and losing hope

I’ve been doing some counselling with someone really great, after a really bad previous experience of therapy. It’s coming to an end and I’m not feeling ready, it was a limited amount of sessions so it’s ending because that time is up and not because we’re in a good place to close things and I feel like there’s something wrong with me that I’m not managing this better. She knows I still need ongoing support and long term work but feels it’s not right for it to be with her and whilst I respect her decision it still just really bloody hurts for some reason! I feel like she’s the right person to help me and I’m scared that I’m losing that and I don’t have any hope for any future good experiences with other people.
I don’t know if writing this down will help, or if anyone will have any advice or words of support but I just want what I’m feeling to pass so I can keep my head held high and not fall apart because of this ending!
#ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Anxiety #MentalHealth #Depression

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When Today Isn't Today

Have you ever leapfrogged over your present self and wound up in the future?

It does feel like I'm living in a sci-fi series that hasn't been written yet; in a world where I pass between timelines as easily as through waterfalls; where mirrors are portals to communicate with distant selves, to reflect hope from a nearby future.

The current Now is my grounding magnet, my northern star, the center of the storm. It's the strongest anchor I have to myself; it's our "You Are Here" dot; it's the middle where all the Motley can meet.

I hadn't lost my grip on reality, I just had to wait until it came into focus, and when it did, I realized I don't have to squeeze so hard.

#DissociativeIdentityDisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #MentalHealth

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You survived…

Sometimes there’s so much chaos, we have to hide away.
We lose connection with our selves, in an attempt to be okay
My darling, you’ve been through so much, but things are finally starting to change.
You’ve found a strength you didn’t know you had, though it feels unfamiliar and strange.
Things will never be ‘easy’.
That’s just not how life works.
I just hope you’ll always remember, you weren’t to blame for the abuse and all the hurt.
It’s ok to take things slowly.
You don’t need to earn rest.
Just keep taking each moment as it comes, and be proud that you’ve always done your best.
#ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #MentalHealth #Abuse

(edited)
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